Okay now fast forward to Sunday morning, as I am running about 30 minutes late to Church (as usual when Josh is drilling for his Monthly duties as a USMC Reservist. Anyways, I text him to say Good Morning and I love you and all that mushy stuff. He texts back and says, which we knew this in December, "that he does NOT have to deploy with his unit in February" due to the fact that we are having a baby in February. So the next text says that he will be deploying in June............ okay, I say, "uh... so this June?" He says one word "maybe", which really means yes but I don't want to say anything for sure to you to not make you freak out. I immediately started getting a tingly feeling in my nose like I was going to cry, I prayed through that and then took a deep breath, I think "Okay, I can do this, its okay, it will be summer time, I need to get things in order, I need to plan meals and make sure someone is there to mow the lawn weekly and get myself on a workout regiment" " We need to make sure all this house foreclosure stuff is taken care of"
SIDE NOTE: Our house has been in foreclosure since Josh left for boot camp June 2009. We are 21 payments behind, 2 mortgage companies later and are still living in our house without any actual foreclosure date whatsoever, which never happens apparently and last night I had an epiphany that maybe just maybe we aren't supposed be living here, that God is just letting be here until we figure out what His ultimate plan is for us, I have never felt like its a home, you know the way you do when you walk into your parents or parent in laws house, ya never felt that here.
So I felt stronger already and a sense of organization, like this is the mode that has to take over me in order to get through what's about to come.
Later on when Josh got home and we were able to dialog a little more on the whole situation, we talked about the house and Josh said, lets just "dump" it, yes he said that exact word. I only felt discouraged about 2 things, the addition we just did and LOVE and moving in with his parents, I don't want that to be an option with 3 kids and I NEED a place of my own, especially if I have a 4 month old, we just need that, I can't explain it anymore than that. But Josh said, that we could enlist in the Active Reserve program and he could work on Base in Great Lakes and we could live in a 3 bedroom Condo on Base, which doesn't sound awful to me. The next option would be to go Active and live on base and he would still deploy. But either way, he would actually be working as a Marine, none of this (not complaining just explaining) Construction, trying to find work for the week, not a steady paycheck thing that was the whole reason that we decided to join the Military in the first place. We would know what we are getting paid, when it would happen AND we don't have to pay for any utilities, they have lawn maintenance, we don't need to pay for our insurance, I could go grocery shopping at the PX, everything on base is tax free. Now if he joins the AR program he could never go active, or deploy but always has a job. If he goes active, he deploys (which really, what Marine wants to join and not deploy at least once? We knew this going into it, Josh was made for this.) So these are our options, we need to make decisions fast, we started praying about it immediately, I feel like I have been in prayer for the last 12 hours.
I decided to do the Reflect and Pray portion of my devotion last night instead of putting it off until today, it was a pretty awesome time and I decided that I am going to start a prayer journal, I like seeing what I'm saying and it helps to keep me focused on what's at hand, my mind doesn't wander. Obviously back to the first question it asked me was a little bit of a different situations now. "What circumstances do you face that on God can change?" I don't feel that God changes circumstances because he has our lives planned for us, I don't think He changes His mind because of a choice we make, he knows what choices we are going to make already, I think really its just Him helping us to change the way we look at the circumstance.
Today I spent about an hour doing the Study part of it, reading through verses and praying about them and how to apply them to my life, there was one in particular that scared me but I want to apply it to my life, because how else am I supposed to grow and learn what God has planned for me?
Psalm 139:23 "Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts."
Isaiah 46:4 "Even to your old age and gray hairs I am He, I am He who will sustain you. I have made you and I will carry you; I will sustain you and I will rescue you"
1 Peter 5:7 " Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. Be self-controlled and alert.
Each of these spoke to me among the others that I read as well but I wanted to share these specifically, the one in Isaiah scared me immediately, I always go to the worst possible situation but reading that made me think that maybe deployment was in the near future, but possible it just means leaving our first house, packing and all that goes with it. The separation from everything that I know and beginning new. We could attend the same church just a different campus which wouldn't be so bad because I know people that attend that campus, also we wouldn't be in a different state so we could still see family, just not as often. There are pros and cons to everything.
My prayer right now is to focus on His voice and not mine.
SIDE NOTE: Our house has been in foreclosure since Josh left for boot camp June 2009. We are 21 payments behind, 2 mortgage companies later and are still living in our house without any actual foreclosure date whatsoever, which never happens apparently and last night I had an epiphany that maybe just maybe we aren't supposed be living here, that God is just letting be here until we figure out what His ultimate plan is for us, I have never felt like its a home, you know the way you do when you walk into your parents or parent in laws house, ya never felt that here.
So I felt stronger already and a sense of organization, like this is the mode that has to take over me in order to get through what's about to come.
Later on when Josh got home and we were able to dialog a little more on the whole situation, we talked about the house and Josh said, lets just "dump" it, yes he said that exact word. I only felt discouraged about 2 things, the addition we just did and LOVE and moving in with his parents, I don't want that to be an option with 3 kids and I NEED a place of my own, especially if I have a 4 month old, we just need that, I can't explain it anymore than that. But Josh said, that we could enlist in the Active Reserve program and he could work on Base in Great Lakes and we could live in a 3 bedroom Condo on Base, which doesn't sound awful to me. The next option would be to go Active and live on base and he would still deploy. But either way, he would actually be working as a Marine, none of this (not complaining just explaining) Construction, trying to find work for the week, not a steady paycheck thing that was the whole reason that we decided to join the Military in the first place. We would know what we are getting paid, when it would happen AND we don't have to pay for any utilities, they have lawn maintenance, we don't need to pay for our insurance, I could go grocery shopping at the PX, everything on base is tax free. Now if he joins the AR program he could never go active, or deploy but always has a job. If he goes active, he deploys (which really, what Marine wants to join and not deploy at least once? We knew this going into it, Josh was made for this.) So these are our options, we need to make decisions fast, we started praying about it immediately, I feel like I have been in prayer for the last 12 hours.
I decided to do the Reflect and Pray portion of my devotion last night instead of putting it off until today, it was a pretty awesome time and I decided that I am going to start a prayer journal, I like seeing what I'm saying and it helps to keep me focused on what's at hand, my mind doesn't wander. Obviously back to the first question it asked me was a little bit of a different situations now. "What circumstances do you face that on God can change?" I don't feel that God changes circumstances because he has our lives planned for us, I don't think He changes His mind because of a choice we make, he knows what choices we are going to make already, I think really its just Him helping us to change the way we look at the circumstance.
Today I spent about an hour doing the Study part of it, reading through verses and praying about them and how to apply them to my life, there was one in particular that scared me but I want to apply it to my life, because how else am I supposed to grow and learn what God has planned for me?
Psalm 139:23 "Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts."
Isaiah 46:4 "Even to your old age and gray hairs I am He, I am He who will sustain you. I have made you and I will carry you; I will sustain you and I will rescue you"
1 Peter 5:7 " Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. Be self-controlled and alert.
Each of these spoke to me among the others that I read as well but I wanted to share these specifically, the one in Isaiah scared me immediately, I always go to the worst possible situation but reading that made me think that maybe deployment was in the near future, but possible it just means leaving our first house, packing and all that goes with it. The separation from everything that I know and beginning new. We could attend the same church just a different campus which wouldn't be so bad because I know people that attend that campus, also we wouldn't be in a different state so we could still see family, just not as often. There are pros and cons to everything.
My prayer right now is to focus on His voice and not mine.
